Doubts
Hello there....
2 years have past and my life wasn't what I planned it to be. Two years ago during the month of April, I am blessed that Allah have gifted me a lovely babygirl name, Delisha. I must say it was not an easy journey and life is quite unpredictable. Having a child of your own and juggling with school was never easy. Especially if you're a FULL-TIME STUDENT. There are times that I almost gave up on studies but I remind myself that I went through 3 years of ITE education to get to where I am. Alhamdulilah, I managed to complete and clear my module with ZERO re-module. Sadly, GPA was not up to my expectation but hey, look at the bright side. I will officially be a Diploma study in May 2018. Now back to Delisha. She was indeed a blessing in disguise for me. She shaped and change me to a different person. Trust me, I was young, naive and a hot-headed person bad then. If things doesn't go my way, I will definitely flare up. Ever since Delisha was born, I lower my ego and definitely my temper. However, I realised that I often get agitated by other's action and words. Having a child of your own was never easy, people will give unnecessary comment saying that you're too young to handle everything. I will try to sallow unnecessary comment and move on with life but at times there's usually one to two sentence that will usually bother me.
Pregnancy wasn't easy. My in-laws wasn't as supportive and was against the idea. First and foremost, religion. I went against religion and was really naive. But when things does not go the way you plan, you decide what's best for you. Which i did. And that is giving birth to baby Delisha. Secondly, relationship with in-laws. My relationship with my in-laws were NEVER smooth till now. It sad to say that people who have faith in God, prayed 5 times daily did not used their brain when this happen. They spoke whatever in their mind without thinking twice. Sadly, this is one of the topics that is happening in Singapore. Maybe because of the harsh words they used against me during my pregnancy. Till today, I clearly remembered every single words they used. I'm not a person who will hold grudges for that long but the situation make me do so. I forgive whatever words they used against me and Delisha and I will never forget. Reason why I make too many excuse to skip kenduri, weddings and even birthday but sadly, my partner don't understand my situation. Whenever I attend in-laws event, I make sure I come with mom or brother. If you wasn't there for my sadness, don't expect me to be there for you.
Next, mix-feeling relationship. Because of my relationship with in-laws, this caused me to have issues with my partner. I can never separate a mom and their child but it's very sad to realised that your own partner is not that supportive of you. Him being a mummy-child will often make himself free to attend family's event however, this decision will be done by only him. Thus, it kind of make me a useless spouse. I'm always against him going to meet his family but I realised that it was a stupid thing to do. Because there's a saying 'no matter how bad your mom is, she'll always be your mom'. But all I needed was, someone to back me and Delisha up no matter how bad the situation is. Sadly, it's something that I didn't see. It's been almost two years being partners but I have yet to see any changes in him. What upset me the most is for someone who have NEVER planned or even bother to wish your birthday, anniversary and even in completing your Diploma. Am I expecting too much from him? Am I a useless partner? Am I alone on this journey? Will I accept the fact he might change his ways one day? Could I take good care of Delisha by my own? Am I a good spouse/mother? This are the few question that I often asked myself.
